Some serious #analysis
Yesterday, the Dodgers eliminated their BLACK AWPS department, DFAing our old friend Brian Wilson. This is obviously a bad move by the front office, and it will have myriad negative repercussions, which I will list as soon as I can figure out some plausible ones. But now that that move's done, where might Brian Wilson end up?
The Padres
If you were a once-great reliever who had an awful 2014, where would you want to go to restore your value? To Petco Park, of course, where home runs turn into fly balls and fly balls turn into Cameron Maybin's tears as he rails against a God who would make him play in such a wretched place. And the Padres could be tempted to try and flip him in an Eric Gagne-type trade. It's win-win, except for the part where the Padres never win.
The Mets
It's been a while since the Mets made a really metsy move, and this could be just the thing to get them back in the game. Obviously the Dodgers are still paying his salary this year, so it's hard to go Full Mets on this one, but if Harvey comes back strong, and Wheeler and Syndergaard have breakout years, then they're just one Brian Wilson meltdown away from missing the playoffs in heartbreaking fashion, which is the ultimate goal of every Mets season.
Japan
Not a Japanese baseball team, mind you, but instead the nation of Japan. In this scenario, having decided he needs some time off, Brian Wilson takes a trip to Japan and talks to every local he can about topics like ninjas being cool, how when you think about it Godzilla was really the first monster who was stacked, and the difference between sushi and sashimi. It will be widely and accurately assumed that the only reason he talks about that last one is that he just learned it and wants everyone to know he knows.
The corner of your street
That little yelling-at-Larry-Baer incident was just a prelude to Brian's next act: yelling at you, your neighbors, your friends, casual acquaintances, people who you think live within a couple blocks, and just generally men wearing shirts. Brian will fit right in with the urban outdoor residents, for as soon as he gazes upon their unkempt facial hair, he'll know he's found his people.
The moon
Look, Brian doesn't really have any way to get there, but let a fella dream, okay? It's a big world, and there's got to be someone out there who'll help him go to the moon. Anything's possible, as long as you dream big and believe in yourself!
Also, you definitely can't sail to the moon, but Brian already has a sea captain's outfit, so we'll let him have his fun.
The Giants
Never mind. Too implausible.