Lol Didn't Watch
Maybe you heard this one before, but the Phillies are bad.
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
They're so bad that they let Jacob deGrom, a pitcher who routinely only posted a K/9 around 7.5 in the minor leagues, strike out 11 of them over six and one-third innings. Did they work deep counts at least? Well, uh, they walked twice so.
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
Their starting pitcher, Kyle Kendrick, allowed a home run to Ruben Tejada, a shortstop that makes Freddy Garcia look like a power hitter. How many home runs did he have before tonight? Well, let's just say he now has triple what Ben Revere has in that stat line. Good look, Kyle.
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
Bad enough that the winning pitcher in this game is the obviously fake and not real "Buddy Carlyle." I didn't actually catch the game, but if that wasn't a stray fan in a wig and a shoddy Mets uniform, I'm not the mayor of Chicago.
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
Their best pitcher tonight was Jeff Manship (!!), who struck out six over four innings (!!), but then got (badly?) hurt running out a ground ball. If Ryne Sandberg can't tell his pitchers not to try to leg out infield hits, then we can't have nice things like pitchers batting, now can we?
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
Antonio Bastardo walked two batters in his one inning of work, and he blew the lead. The bright spot? Only one of those walks was unintentional. Remember what I said about nice things, Ryne?
HOW BAD ARE THEY?
They're getting killed by some guy named Bobby Abreu who they let go in the Spring apparently. Apparently he was some kind of good player for the team in the past and his line is...eh, they probably couldn't have used a 320/397/500 hitter anyway.
IS THERE ANY SILVER LINING?
Well, Ryan Howard hit another longball, and Ben Revere had a triple. Add in Marlon Byrd's double and Dom Brown's RBI single in the bottom of the ninth, and you get what I like to call the Poor Man's Cycle. And, despite the Pyrrhic heroics of Manship, the rest of the bullpen performed fairly well outside of ol' Antonio "Wild Pitch" Bastardo.
And, I mean, the Phanatic was there and boy that's a heck of a ballpark. *cough*
SO...UH...HOW BAD ARE THEY?
They're so bad they couldn't even take two of three from the New York Mets. No punchline is more fantastical than that.
Fangraph of "take my team, please" below.
Source: FanGraphs
And for those of you with a bit heavier taste tonight.